It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
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I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
same energy
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”