“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
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sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Today’s Times
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!