Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
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KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
My therapist after every session
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
spicy snake
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
My favorite farside!!
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]