Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
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It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.