I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
You Might Also Like
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Yes
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.