My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
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Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat