I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
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ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.