Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
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Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?