My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
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The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
A great tip. #CakeRex
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.