rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
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A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!