assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
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*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
My neck, my back, my…
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…