Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
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harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
u spoke cat all this time??????
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
When you’re here for the treats.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
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On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move