my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
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Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician