[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
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I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Aaaa…CHOO!
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?