Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
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Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade