They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
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The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.