No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
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God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Bringing home a sharpie
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?