Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
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When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park