[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
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Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
good work, everybody