How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
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My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.