Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
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Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Me if I was a dog
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.