DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
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911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Has there ever been a more American story?
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations