My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
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Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.