Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
You Might Also Like
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.