Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
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Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
6: are snakes just neck?
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”