*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
You Might Also Like
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
*has no idea what a book even is*
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
waiting for halloween be like:
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.