Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
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My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS