#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
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it’s a van. how do they not know this
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
How I’d get arrested…
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.