If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
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My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
just pretend nothing happened
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.