I put the h in mysterious.
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I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Just how popey was the pope today?
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”