Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
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Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH