BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
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We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
fly smarter, not harder
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!