THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
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George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
How wrong was this guy?
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.