ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
You Might Also Like
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
why isn’t he texting back
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
This is what makes twitter great
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.