It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
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I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Smells like a challenge to me
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
This kid will have a bright future.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”