My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
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just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
that’s really how it is
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]