[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
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My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Very good! 👍😂
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
58.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”