Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
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Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.