Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
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Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Oh. My. God.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
My favorite female superhero
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.