Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
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friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
your honor my client chooses dare
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.