Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
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Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.