I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
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[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
No way!
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.