If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
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I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*