2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
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History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Thanks to a fan for this one.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
my nickname in college
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers