went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
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“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad