If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
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Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Who’s your best friend?
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.