Finally!
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The pointless tidy up before a play date.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
found this cool rock hiking today
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):