Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
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For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.