People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
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the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
The devil.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
and now we wait
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.