Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
You Might Also Like
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Somebody call the cops.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
😂💯